I was at a park recently and observed several small groups of children playing in the sand. As is always the case, there was a variety of behaviors: some children played cooperatively, some struggled, some were selfish and demanding. In addition to the children, I noticed the parents who went along with this group of frolickers. As is also usually the case, there was a variety of behaviors in this group as well: some parents intervened successfully, others intervened unsuccessfully, and some did not intervene at all.
And it got me to wondering: why? Why was the human being created this way? Why are the social graces and qualities of good character not inherent within us at birth the way that so many other things are like our need to satisfy our hunger, to protect ourselves from danger, to reproduce? Why were we not given what we need to live happily and peacefully together as a part of our genetic code? The response to that question remains and will always remain unanswered. It is a part of the eternal mystery of the human condition.
What I did reflect upon, however, is that the human child at birth is primarily a blank slate: given an innate urge to live and move forward, but little more, so that he can adapt to the particular culture into which he is born. Although this blankness leaves each new child with much to accomplish in his first years of life - he manages to learn all facets of his particular culture, a formidable task indeed! – it also allows for the diversity and distinctness of each man and woman that is the splendor of the human race. In this instance, I speak of diversity not in physical characteristics, but rather cultural. Although all of the same species, we do not eat the same foods, we do not speak the same languages, we do not sing the same songs, wear the same clothes, hold the same ideas of beauty. Each human culture has created its own set of standards and 
ideals.
The result is that we are born with an incredible freedom granted no other being on earth. What a magnificent gift! What a glorious mystery: There is no telling when a baby is born who he will be, what he will choose for his life. But as is always the case, freedom comes with responsibility. And this is what is at once curious and divine: The baby is not born with a sense of responsibility. The task of inculcation rests squarely on the shoulders of the parents. It is solely and unilaterally their task. A helpless newborn human child takes longer than any other creature to become independent. And it is during this long apprenticeship borne of love that our children realize not only how to survive but also how to distinguish what is right and what is wrong - the very essence of morality. Our children are born into freedom with the desperate need to learn the qualities of fine character.
The question that begs our attention, then, is how to do this. How do we go about helping our children grow into adults of good character? When do we go about it? What are those qualities that we wish for them? There are many qualities of character that are universally embraced, across cultures and across the span of time: courage, honesty, perseverance, patience, strength, generosity, good humor, humility, forgiveness, kindness. The old adage here to practice what you preach goes a long way. Our first chance to teach our children directly is to be aware of our own behavior and choices. We must be living models of what we wish our children to become. But, among those qualities listed was not perfection. This does not mean that we have to be the perfect models of proper behavior. In fact, it is often when we do or say something that we regret that we have our first chance to speak to our children of humility and forgiveness!
Most of these qualities can be encouraged in children at a much younger age than we realize. The ability to persevere is one which children learn about from the time they can first control their movement in any way. When they see something that they want for themselves and start to scoot over toward it, we have as parents an early chance to help our children learn to struggle for something they want. And what’s best is that all we have to do in this case is nothing. Nothing. We must resist the temptation to move that object closer to the child or the child closer to the object. This is struggle and accomplishment in its fragile nascent beginning. Even when he cries out in frustration, we need then to encourage not to relieve. In this way we are thinking differently about our interactions with our children. We are asking ourselves: What opportunity lies here for me to teach?
Patience is another virtue best encouraged from the start. Again when we watch our young children struggle with a task, it is often our own impatience which causes us to intervene - on their behalf, of course, or so we tell ourselves. But this really is an opportunity both to model patience and to allow your child to develop his own patience. This first notion of patience will come through patience with himself. Later as he grows older, he will then understand to wait for the elderly man walking slowly in front of him, to wait pleasantly in the long line at the store, to allow others who may take longer with an answer some extra time to think.
Opportunities to foster courage are also present very early in the child’s life. How we respond to our own fears as well as those of our children will have a significant impact. To protect our children from all that they fear certainly does not prepare them for what they will face in their own life experiences. Still, it is a difficult paradox. How do we support our children yet not cripple them with too much help. There is no easy answer here. Each instance must be considered one at a time. When a child faces something that frightens him that you, the adult, know to be safe, reflect back to your child calm reassurance that he can manage it. Balance being close enough to offer support with enough space for your child to feel he can do it alone. In the face of something that frightens your child, sometimes it can be best to simply tell him he can handle it and walk away. It is often this calm assured communication of his ability to overcome his fear that helps a child realize he can manage something independently. A strong clear vote of confidence can do wonders. The tough part as a parent is to remind yourself that there is no way to overcome fear without some discomfort. There is no way to circumnavigate this part of the learning process. But the reward and satisfaction of accomplishment is also irreplaceable.
The list goes on and the opportunities are endless – if we take the time to think each day about the virtues we are trying to instill in our children, and also that we are the ones who must instill them. The development of good character in our children needs constant conscious attention. It is not something that will just happen. Our chance to influence our children passes much too quickly. No one waits to remind us of this, to help us refocus, to help us stay attentive. It is a matter of careful, thoughtful, determined, intentional, daily practice.
Click to see related article published in the TribLocal edition of the Chicago Tribune.
